I am cool, dammit!

Recently, I applied to be a winter brand ambassador for one of the more well-known clothing companies in the outdoor industry.  They were searching for people who had big plans for the coming cold months and could proudly wear the company's clothing and document the awesome things they did while wearing said clothing.  Oh my gosh, perfect, I thought.  I love free shit, I take decent pictures, or at least they look cool enough with an Instagram filter, and I happen to have big plans for the winter.  Score!  Of course, I didn’t find out about this opportunity until the very last day that applications were being accepted.  It was a rainy day (the rainy day so far this year in California), so I had convinced myself that it was totally legitimate to spend the entire day watching tv and putting around on the internet.  I typed my responses into the fields,  Skiing, dogs, snowshoes, van, awesomeness, yea!  I answered the questions about how many followers I have on Instagram and Twitter and how many friends I have on Facebook and skipped the one about my klout score because I had no idea what that meant.  Submit!  Apparently my application had timed out.  Being no stranger to taking way too long to fill stuff out, having internet malfunctions, etc., I had conveniently copied and pasted my answers into another document so I just re-inserted them, and hey! I even had a new Facebook friend since the first time I had submitted it.  Bonus!  Much like my college application essays, my work may have benefited from a bit more time and focus, but I thought, hey I have cool plans, they should speak for themselves.

After submitting my application I allowed myself to get a little bit excited.  Eeeee what if I get picked?!  How cool would it be?  I could share my awesome adventure with other people, and I could wear all my cool free gear all the time, which would actually be extremely beneficial because I have exactly one pair of seven year old snowpants to get me through what promises to be a very exciting winter indeed.  Anyway, some time passed and then today I was scrolling through my Instagram feed and there was a photo of lots of tiny little faces smiling back at me saying ‘we are the new winter ambassadors’!  My face was not one of the tiny faces.  I was immediately disappointed.  And then a little bitter.  And then I noticed that one of the tiny faces was a friend of mine, and I was instantly lifted out of my grumpy feelings and stoked for my friend, because he is actually a complete badass who totally deserves this.  And then I went back to being grumpy again.  

‘Maybe my application didn’t go through,’ I thought, ‘I never got a confirmation email or anything.’  SELF!  SELF, GET A GRIP!  DO NOT BE A SORE LOSER.  Apparently there is a logical part to my brain.  The logical side of my brain talked to my little pouty child brain.  It explained that there are tons of people out there doing neat, amazing, bold, wonderful things with their lives.  Lots of things that are considered cooler than what you are doing.  Many of these people are recognized for doing these things by sponsors and many of them are not, but they continue living their lives and pursuing their passions because they believe that what they’re doing is fulfilling to them personally.

I will admit that I struggle with craving validation for the things that I do.  I want people to see my pictures on Instagram and like them and think, ‘wow, that looks really awesome.’  I want people to read my writing.  I want people to be interested in what’s going on and follow along on my journey.  Of course I want some cool company to come across something that I’ve posted and be like ‘where did this chick come from, let’s sponsor her, and give her free things and lots of money so she can live her dreams!’  It is embarrassing to admit all those things, but they are true.  

Sometimes I tell myself, it is just the age we live in now.  That social media has truly become part of everyday life for a majority of people and there is nothing wrong with being deeply invested in the way you share your life with others.  And that being part of the outdoor community generally means you’re poor, so of course you want sponsorships.  And obviously there are exceptions, like Chelsea, who still uses a flip phone and barely knows how to use Facebook, and like the man I read about the other day who went on a worldwide road trip for twenty something years and was contacted by lots of companies hoping to sponsor him and he was like, nah.       

But me, I want to be liked, and I want to be cool.  And today I fully admitted that to myself maybe for the first time, and it was actually kind of eye opening.  I know the things that I do really aren’t that cool.  Even using the word ‘cool’ more than once in a single piece of writing is very uncool.  I know I don’t climb very hard, I don’t conquer hard or dangerous objectives.  I’m not a very good skier, hell, I don’t even ski backcountry yet because I haven’t been able to splurge for my avy course.  I don’t backpack long distances.  But still, I want to be cool.  Why is that?  From my conversation with the logical part of my brain I learned that I need to be more self confident, and I need to stop seeking validation from others because in my heart of hearts (whatever that means anyway.. I have one heart and I don’t think it contains other hearts within it), I know that when I am on the road, I am living the life I was created to live.  I know that I am fully engaged in the act of being a breathing human and not just acting as a bystander while life streams past.  I see the earth’s beauty.  I feel passion.  I meet amazing people.  I explore.  I am happy.  So why should I care what other people think?  I guess I shouldn’t.  If somebody does see a picture, or read something I write, and think ‘hey, that’s neat, I’m going to get out there and do something that I’m excited about,’ that would be awesome.  In the meantime, I’m just going to keep reminding myself: I am cool, dammit.